I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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