Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
