Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
