I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think I am morally bankrupt
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
