He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
