Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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