Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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