I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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