We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
