I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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