kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
True strength comes from lack of pants
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
