I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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