I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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