the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
