Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
