I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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