Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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