The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
