its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ladies don't puke and tell
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
