my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
