what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
