I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out