What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.