Welp...herpes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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