you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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