mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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