I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
