How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
