Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
