12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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