pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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