i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
