I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
