fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
