I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
