last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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