Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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