Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
