I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
