I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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