guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
