I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
