it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
