i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
