There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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