Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
