i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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