I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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