If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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