i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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