The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
