Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
