im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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