i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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