Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
