Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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