The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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