I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
