Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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